J. Jonah Jameson: I know you're out there you wall-crawling menace! It is the duty of every New Yorker to report the actions of these masked miscreants! So listen up: As long as J. Jonah Jameson is CEO of Daily Bugle Communications, I won't rest until New York has seen the last of Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: And a good morning to you J. Jonah Loudmouth. (narrating) Other kids I know start their day with orange juice. Me? I get yelled at by a hundred foot tall cranky pants. Where's a little love for the Spidey-guy? I'm down here alone everyday trying the best I can at this hero routine. It's not easy to learn the ropes by yourself. Let's face it, introduction to super heroing isn't a high school elective. Speaking of school, I still have to pick up a cake for Aunt May before first period. Then its some hang time with my best pals MJ and Harry, and maybe a nap between classes, but first I gotta save that cop from a skidding car.
Cop: I'm starting to think Jameson's wrong about you Spidey.
Spider-Man: Spread the word chief.
Trapster: Hiya bugbrain. I knew that would draw you out.
Spider-Man: Oh great, the Trapster. (narrating) I've been Spider-Man for about a year and I've already fought this glue stick three times. Do they even give F minus minus? Lets see if I learn from my mistakes. Fourth times gotta be the charm.
Spider-Man: This is when I leave the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man note? Can I borrow a pen? Interesting, villain's eyes widening in terror, but spidey-sense not tingling. (narrating) For those of you new to the Spider-Man experience, let me explain the whole spidey-sense thing. It's like an early warning system that kicks in whenever there's danger and maybe it's on the blink. Hello? This thing on? Whoa, the S.H.I.E.L.D. Hellicarrier's coming in low.
Nick Fury: Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: (gasps) Nick Fury, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. That's the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. The super spies. You super spies make an appointment to sneak up on hard working heroes?
Nick Fury: Kid, we got to talk.
(opening title)
Nick Fury: No one's saying you didn't stop the bad guy, but look around you. Is this the way Captain America would've done it? Cap could have stopped Trapster within 5 seconds. You took 3 minutes. With lots of collateral damage.
Spider-Man: I do a good job.
Nick Fury: : For a clueless rookie.
Spider-Man: Yeah. Huh?
Nick Fury: Look, everyone starts out clueless. Even Iron Man back when he was a novice. But he learned. Eventually. What would you say if I can help turn eventually into right now for Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Heh. I knew it. You want me to buy a line of self-help books. Not interested. Besides, I'm tapped out til pay day, so if we're all done here I'm gonna...
Nick Fury: I'm serious, Peter Parker
Spider-Man: You know?
Nick Fury: Everything. Super Spy remember?
Spider-Man: And bam! One serious part of my life. Growing up with Uncle Ben and Aunt May, a pretty typical childhood, until the radioactive spider bite. Then came the powers and that terrible night I lost Uncle Ben. That was when I made a promise to do something good with the hand that fate dealt me. Things I wouldn't joke about even if I knew how.
Nick Fury: With great power, comes great responsibility. Good words from a good man.
Spider-Man: Uncle Ben was the best.
Nick Fury: It's been what? A year, now?
Spider-Man: Today would've been his birthday.
Nick Fury: You've honored him doing what you do. Now I'm offering you the chance to do better, to really learn about responsibility.
Spider-Man: : Translation?
Nick Fury: I want to S.H.I.E.L.D. train you to be a better Spider-Man. TheUltimate Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: And how ultimate is ultimate?
Nick Fury: That ultimate.
Spider-Man: Sweet! I should probably set my ultimate cell phone to Ultimate vibrate.
Nick Fury: Your tech needs an upgrade. Try ours. S.H.I.E.L.D. tech guys developed this next gen web shooter.
Spider-Man: Too big, too clunky. I didn't say no.
Nick Fury: With your talent and my training, you can learn to be a better hero. The next Cap, the next Iron Man, one of the greats.
Spider-Man: Thanks for the offer, but I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. Have a nice life okay. Cool?
Nick Fury: Teenagers.
Dr. Otto Octavius: Impressed, Mr. Osborn?
Norman Osborn: Very, Octavius. More than ever, I'm convinced Spider-Man is the key to military superiority. Once I replicate his abilities, I'll market an army of spider-enhanced super soldiers to the highest bidder. Nick Fury is a fool to think he can get Spider-Man to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. I prefer Spider-Man the way he is. Headstrong, undisciplined, easy to anger.
Dr. Otto Octavius: And easier to turn. I'll inform our remaining allies to begin phase two.
Mary Jane Watson: Peter, I've been calling you all morning. Where have you been?
Nick Fury: I want you Parker to be the Ultimate Spider-Man.
Peter Parker: Uh, bus broke down?
Mary Jane Watson: Sure.
Peter Parker: (narrating) I hate to lie to MJ. Ever since we were kids, no one's been a better friend than Mary Jane Watson, like the time we were five and ran away forever. Yeah, we weren't allowed to cross the streets, so we just walked up and down the driveway. When we were twelve, we decided to finally get serious. Mistake!
Mary Jane Watson: I wanted to show you this.
J. Jonah Jameson: It is the duty of every New Yorker to report the actions of these masked miscreants! Especially that ticking time-bomb called Spider-Man!
Peter Parker: Doesn't that jerk ever shut up?
Mary Jane Watson: Someday, that jerk will give this journalism student her first job.
Peter Parker: You want to work for Jameson? Total nightmare.
Mary Jane: And that's what it takes. Jameson's the biggest game in town. Kids like us have to be realistic, Petey. We can't all be like Harry.
Peter Parker: (narrating) Meet Harry Osborn. I love Harry. Everyone loves Harry. Why not? He's rich, he's handsome, and most importantly he's been a friend to me when I needed one most.
(flashback)
Young Harry Osborn: Hey, Peter Parker.
Young Peter Parker: Uh, yeah?
Young Harry Osborn: It's me Harry Osborn. You know, from school. Get in.
Young Peter Parker: Thanks, Harry. You didn't have to.
Young Harry Osborn: No problem. Dad, this is the kid I told you about. The one who's always getting beaten up.
Norman Osborn: It seems you could use some friends, Peter.
Young Peter Parker: That'd be cool.
Norman Osborn: And perhaps you'll be a friend to my Harry. Help keep his mind on his studies.
Young Harry Osborn: I wish you would stop micromanaging my life.
Norman Osborn: Give me reasons not to.
Young Peter Parker: Uh, I just met you both, but I think it's great that you have a dad that cares so much.
Norman Osborn: It sounds like you speak from experience.
Young Peter Parker: I never knew my dad sir. But my Uncle Ben busts my butt when I get out of line.
Norman Osborn: (chuckles) And Peter's none the worse for that is he, Harry?
Young Harry Osborn: He's smiling. My dad is actually smiling. How do you do that?
Young Peter Parker: It's a gift.
(cuts to present)
Peter Parker: (narrating) And since that day, we've been best friends forever. We'll that's life in Midtown. It's okay.
Flash Thompson: Hey, Puny Parker!
Peter Parker: One drawback.
Flash Thompson: It's locker knocker time.
Peter Parker: That Sasquatch loping towards me is our reigning football star, Flash Thompson. There's always this rigid consistency to our relationship.
(flashback)
Young Flash Thompson: Happy first day of school, dork head. Feliz navidad.
(cuts to present)
Flash Thompson Catch you next fall.
Peter Parker: Just once I like to turn it around.
Flash Thompson: Sleep tight.
Peter Parker: But if I did that, I'd be everything Jameson ever accused me of and everything I promised Uncle Ben what I would never become.
Stan: What again? You should punch out that big goon. Stand up for yourself boy, why when I was your age, you'd think I'd let some slab of beef push me around? No siree Bob. It's just like I was telling Irving Forbush the other day. "Irving" I said. "You are nobody's doormat".
Harry Osborn: Dude, locker knocker time again? Thompson's such a tool.
Peter Parker: That's the worse thing that happens to me today. I'm coming out ahead. Remember when I told you about spidey-sense. This time it's kicking up a storm!
Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson and Harry Osborn: (scream)
Wizard: Attention students. Your principal has something to tell you.
Principal: Students. Your attention please. Your school is now under the control of the... the...
Thundra: The Frightful Four.
Mary Jane Watson: Uh, there's only three of you.
Wizard: Quiet!
Peter Parker: (breaks the fourth wall) These guys are bad news. Wizard, master of high tech gadgets. Klaw, the villain made of living sound. Thundra, ruthless warrior woman from an alternate future timeline. Don't ask. And Trapster, no wait I already caught him.
Wizard: Before the Trapster was captured, he learned Spider-Man attends this school, and unless he gives himself up, we'll tear this place down brick by brick.
Student: Yeah!
Wizard: We're serious! Klaw. So who is our mysterious wall-crawler? A teacher? A student? A cafeteria lady?They seem reluctant to talk. Klaw, make them listen to reason.
Peter Parker: STOP IT!!
Mary Jane Watson: Peter, no!
Wizard: Heh. Definitely not Spider-Man.
Thundra: I'll crush the runt!
Wizard: Don't crush him, make an example of him.
Peter Paker: (screams in pain)
Mary Jane Watson: (gasps)
Peter Parker: Shut it down, I'll talk! I'll talk! (grunts in pain)
Wizard: Well? You have something to say, boy?
Peter Parker: Listen up. Everyone needs to hear this. Food Fight!
Wizard: (grunts)
Thundra: Huh? (grunts)
Peter Parker: This is nuts. How did they know? How did they find me? Fury was right. I have a lot to learn about responsibility.
Spider-Man: Dude, don't point that thing! It might go off. It really stinks to be you today. Actually it probably stinks to be you everyday. Then again, it could be me. I haven't wash this suit in a week. Hey Little Miss Muffet! The spider just kicked your tuffet. Huh?
Wizard: Spider-Man. Finally. Dr. Octavius we found him. Transmitting now.
Doctor Octopus: (chuckles) Excellent. The Wizard has Spider-Man engaged in combat, the team will give a detail profile of his powers.
Norman Osborn: Good.
Doctor Octopus: There is the small matter of witnesses. Shall I have the Frightful Four destroy Midtown High?
Norman Osborn: Midtown?! No you fool, my son is there!
Thundra: (yells)
Thundra: (grunts)
Spider-Man: Looks like I'm off to see the Wizard. Oh yeah. You know? Cream corn is definitely a good color on you.
Thundra: (grunts)
Spider-Man: (groans)
Thundra: (grunts)
Mary Jane Watson: Here's my first front page story
Spider-Man: Real smart, Wiz. You left the backdoor open.
Wizard: (screams)
Flash Thompson: Spider-Man. Flash Thompson. I'm your biggest fan. Let me help, bro
Spider-Man: Definitely, bro. Step in.
Flash Thompson: Now what?
Spider-Man: Wait for my signal. Jump out and we'll surround em'. Remember: Wait for my signal. (breaks the fourth wall) Immature, I know. But if felt so good.
Thundra: Ha. Where is he!?
Wizard: We're not being paid to fight cops. Let's go.
Mary Jane Watson: Harry. It's MJ. Can you hear me?
Peter Parker: Oh, this is all my fault. Mr. Osborn. I'm sorry
Norman Obsorn: Why apologize Peter? What could you have possibly done?
J. Jonah Jameson: In a shocking betrayal of the justice system he claims to uphold. Spider-Man, today, led known super criminals in an attack on innocent school children. Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, it gives this humble commentator less pleasure. I imagine to say: I told you so. It is the opinion of Daily Bugle Communications that the police should issue a warrant for Spider-Man's arrest! And that nothing less than deadly force should be employed in the pursuit of Spider-Man!
Aunt May: Peter.
Peter Parker: Hi, Aunt May.
Aunt May: Are you okay? I heard there was trouble at your school.
Peter Parker: (breaks the fourth wall) I know what you're thinking: Spider-Man lives at home with his doting old aunt? Loser. Think again. My aunt is pretty cool. She works all day. On Monday night she's at yoga. Tuesday, it's French cooking. Thursday it's bowling.
Aunt May: Whoa! Oh yeah!
Peter Parker: (breaks the fourth wall) Her full schedule lets me come and go as I please. Of course, I have to keep the Spidey stuff on the down low. There's no way she'd approve of her little Petey mixing it up with supervillains. Those psychos never touched me, Aunt May. (thinks) I wish I could say the same for Harry.
(Cuts to the hospital)
Harry Osborn: There's still some ringing in my ears, but the doc says I'll be fine tomorrow.
Peter Parker: Awesome.
Norman Osborn: Strangest thing, Peter. Those villains seem to believe Spider-Man goes to your school. Do you know anything about that?
Peter Parker: Heh, I think he sits next to me in Spanish.
Spider-Man: Hola. Donde es stas la biblo tecca.
Peter Parker: No, sir, I've never heard of it.
(Cuts to present)
Aunt May: You know what. If we had Norman Osborn's money, I would put you in private school immediately.
Peter Parker: Yeah. That'd be sweet. Hey, when's dinner?
Aunt May: It's almost ready. Put the candles on the cake.
Peter Parker: (shocked) Cake?
Aunt May: Yes, the cake you promised to get in the city today. Ben's favorite. You didn't get distracted again, did you, Peter?
Peter Parker: I'm... I'm sorry, Aunt May. I guess I...
Aunt May: It's alright. With all that happened today at school, I couldn't expect you to remember.
Peter Parker: (thinking) Uncle Ben, so sorry.
Aunt May: I'm just happy you made it home safely.
Peter Parker: (sighs) I can't believe I let her down.
Spider-Man's reflection: But why should Aunt May be any different? You're always hurting the people closest to you. Uncle Ben. Harry. And if you can't even get a cake home, how are you gonna be one of the greats? The way I see it: you can either accept Fury's offer and take advantage of his training and tech or keep fumbling along like a clueless rookie. What's it gonna be Spider-Man? Are you okay with just being Amazing or do you wanna be Ultimate?
Spider-Man: Okay let's do this. Put out the welcome mat S.H.I.E.L.D. Spidey's come a callin'. Fury was right. With his help, I can do better. I'm done with this lonely loser routine. It's time for me to step up and show the big boys what the Ultimate Spider-Man can do. Great. Fury's tech boys better be on their game or I'm street pizza. Whoa! Yeah! Okay, not too clunky.
Computer: Intruder Alert. Intruder Alert
Spider-Man: Whoa, what is this? Blast Spider-Man and win a panda? Whoa!
Peter Parker: Your friendly neighborhood Ultimate Spider-Man, reporting for duty sir!
Nick Fury: Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D., Spider-Man. Hope you survive the experienced.
